The Infamous 'Guaranteed to Get Laid' Story

The Infamous 'Guaranteed to Get Laid' Story

Chiang Mai is a very transient place - you make good friends but they leave soon after. About 2.5 months into my stay in Chiang Mai, I made a good group of friends that went out together all the time, but two weeks later most of them were gone. At the time of this story, one of the remaining few was having his last night in Chiang Mai. I’m going to withhold his real name to protect the innocent, but for the sake of this story let’s call him Steve. You know a story is going to be good when you start withholding names, and this one is no exception.

It all started innocently enough, with me being a good friend and wanting to give my friend one last hoorah before he left. It was a Tuesday night, which are relatively quiet in Chiang Mai, so I had to entice my friend a little bit. It was at that moment, at a quiet bar in Chiang Mai, that I uttered the words, “Steve, if you come out with me tonight, I guarantee that you’ll get laid.” Now Steve knew a couple of things at this point:

  1. I’m not just saying this - I actually mean it.
  2. I’m a really, really good wing man.

But it’s what Steve didn’t know that could potentially hurt him, well sort of. What he didn’t know was that my plan was to give an earnest effort to find Steve a girl for the night, but if all else failed, I was going to pay for a prostitute and not tell him. That’s what friends are for.

So we arrived at Zoe’s, the main party area in Chiang Mai, and it’s relatively quiet, which we expected. No problem. We ordered a couple of beers then got to work. We talked to a bunch of girls for a few minutes each, but nothing was really sticking. At midnight, Zoe’s closed, so we moved on to Spicey’s, a late-night club, and it’s at this point that I fucked up: I lost Steve. I started moving around the club, talking to girls as I went, but mainly looking for fucking Steve. Fifteen minutes before the club closed, a side door opened, and on the other side I saw Steve. Success!

In fact it was better than that - he had his arm around a hot Thai girl. The only issue was that this girl had a friend and she looked bored. Worse for me, the friend wasn’t exactly a ten. That said, I’d made Steve a promise and if there was a chance of success with the non-prostitute route, then I had to try my best to make it happen. I began doing a routine my friends and I call “jumping on the grenade” - a noble sacrifice for the greater good of the group. I chat up the friend and 10 minutes later we all leave the club together to go to Steve’s apartment.

After a while, Steve goes into his room with the hot chick and I’m left with the grenade. She leans in for a kiss, I pretend not to notice. “Soooo, do you have any brothers or sisters?” I’m stalling for as long as I can, and this little dance continues for about five minutes. The dance came to an abrupt halt precisely at the moment Steve shouted from his room words that are permanently etched into my brain, “Jon! She has a penis!” My response is similarly etched into Steve’s brain, “Wanna switch?” Steve took me up on the offer.

Now, Steve’s logic was sound here: he’d rather hook up with the fat, ugly girl than hook up with the hot guy. I think mine was pretty reasonable too: this chick was hot, like you couldn’t even tell she was a dude - well, except for the penis, but hey - and I’d promised him he’d get laid, so by switching girls he still had a shot. Given the turn of events, Steve flew out of his room butt naked, and I took his place. After ten or so minutes, Steve shouted to me again, this time in a much more dejected manner, “Jon… She has a penis too…” Now technically I guaranteed him he’d get laid, but I never said it’d be by a girl. He noped out of the whole situation, took a 30-minute shower, then demanded I give him money so he could stay in a hostel that night rather than his bed. Since it was late and the girls had nowhere to go, they both headed back to mine. And that’s the story of how I ended up with two ladyboys in my bed.